The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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