at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
And then my night got REAL pukey
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
