Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
