So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
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