I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
