Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
