just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
