The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
