if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
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