Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
