Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
