she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
