I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
