we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Randomize
