I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
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