I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize