guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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