Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
