God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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