he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
