awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
