I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
