I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
