So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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