when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize