why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
