You're completely useless in the revolution.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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