You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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