i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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