My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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