We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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