can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
