Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
