my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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