You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize