watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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