she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
