Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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