I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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