In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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