Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
