I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
