Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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