Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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