I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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