I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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