You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
