I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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