So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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