On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Randomize
