My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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