i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize