She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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