first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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