I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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