i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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