don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
