I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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