Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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