I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
