You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
