I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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