Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
