my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
