Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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