I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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