I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
